Jealously is rearing its ugly head, and I could never be more disappointed in myself

Second Year is killing me both physically and emotionally. I’ve been desperately applying to placements (and always getting rejected, apparently getting a First last year isn’t enough), have deadlines coming at me from all angles, and all my friends have their boyfriends over making me ache to see my own (which is hard, he’s stuck studying in Loughborough).

On the topic of placements, I got an interview for one (yay!), only to discover a week later that they decided against taking me on and asked my ‘friend’ to come in instead. I was one of the last three to be chosen from over 200 applicants and I was naturally over the moon. I felt like the actual interview went fine, but I probably failed momentously at the aptitude tests. So now the person that I dislike most in my house is going to take my place. She has no class or caution about the topic either, and will talk about it openly in front of me about how she doesn’t really want the placement. I might shoot her the next time she says that. Ungrateful cow. So that was Wednesday.

I went to try and give blood on Thursday, but somehow I even managed to screw that up. I’ve done it before so presumed everything would run smoothly. WRONG. The nurse pierced my vein in the wrong place and the blood was trickling out excruciatingly slowly. She even got a head nurse to come over and try again. No, don’t worry about me; I love it when people repeatedly poke massive needles in the same place in my arm. I was just trying to do a good thing, perhaps even selfishly use it to make myself feel better and increase some good karma. But alas, I was sent home with all my blood still inside my body. I had a little weep on the bus (classy, I know). I had never felt more useless; a healthy (ish) 19 year old who can’t give blood. What is the point of me?

Naturally I was feeling down, so went out with my friends to a local bar and club to try and feel perky again. It was good for an hour or so, then the music got more trashy and people were canoodling all around me. I also saw a large group of people from a choir I attend on campus. Smiling, trying to make eye contact. Just wanting to show my course friends that I know other people apart from them. No one recognised me. Someone even came over and started hitting on my friend, with me standing RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Yes, sure, alcohol is a funny thing, but when I’m slightly intoxicated I love it when I see people I know when I’m out. Just me? So, once again, feeling very put out.

Here comes Friday, the worse day of all.

My boyfriend was also applying for placements, and still getting the same blanket rejection emails as I was. Until Friday morning. He’d already done an interview, and he’s been accepted. Thankfully I was informed by Facebook Messenger, as I immediately broke down and cried for a solid hour. Why, you ask? Shouldn’t I be thrilled that he’s being successful? Of course. But the title of this post is that I have never been more disappointed in myself.

I am happy for him, he deserves it. But what about me? We said that it was ok that neither of us would get a placement; we would become failed students together. That filled me with a sad hope, at least we’d both finish University at the same time. Now everything has changed again. I am going to be more alone than I ever was before. And he’s going to be in Bristol doing 9-5 for a whole year, we can barely see each other as it is. Oh, and did I mention he starts on the 3rd of July? Second Year doesn’t finish until the 18th June. We’re not even going to get the summer.  I am overcome by dread.

Jealousy has also taken an effect on me; he can’t talk to people, and even stutters when he speaks to me. I am actually a smooth talker with strangers. Don’t get me wrong, he is an actual maths genius, but has the communication and English skills of a monkey. I just can’t see what was so wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? We obviously study different subjects (Planes are not really linked with Biomedical Science, are they?), so the application process and requirements are going to be dissimilar. But the same principles apply. I am just not good enough.

Too much envy has circled through my veins in the last 3 days (especially as I still have the full 5.5 litres of blood in me), and it needs to stop. The wounds are still fresh, but I think after a few more days of being angry and feeling generally worthless, hopefully this will pass and I can enjoy my own company again.

If one more person tells me to “Keep my chin up”, I am going to kill them.

Sorry for the 900 word rant.


Keep singing x


P.S. I’m going to be alone for Valentine’s day (one of my favourite events), just to salt the wounds further. Just a bad few days, not a bad life (we pray, please God don’t let this be a foreshadowing of my future).